Married, Kids, Job – But Something’s Missing…
12 months ago I realised I was living a cliché. I was in my early forties, been married 15 years to a wife I deeply loved, had a beautiful 8 year old son, and a successful professional job that paid the mortgage and gave us a foreign holiday each summer. I was generally happy with my lot in life yet something wasn’t quite right. My wife and I just seemed to be drifting away from each other in the bedroom.
For a couple of years I just chalked up our dwindling sex life to what simply happened when you became middle aged and had a family. We were both too tired after work, or too busy with parenting. However something was niggling at the back of my mind.
I had realised that it wasn’t just tiredness or being too busy; these were just excuses. I deeply craved the missing intimacy with my wife, but I found that I was actively avoiding that same intimacy. I would tell my wife that I was too tired but I had secretly turned to masturbation to meet my sexual needs instead. This had in-turn reduced my desire to be intimate with my wife and resulted in a vicious circle.
I knew I should talk to my wife about all this but I found that I didn’t even know where to start as I didn’t know why I was feeling this way or how to explain it. So I tried stopping the masturbation, but this did not solve the issue. If anything I felt more anxious about intimacy than before. I needed to work out what the root cause was; only then could I find a solution.
The Dangers Of Just Doing What is Expected
Thinking back, I came to realise that I was usually the one who initiated sex and even if it was initiated by my wife, it was generally with me ‘being on top’ and doing the penetration.
It had always been this way because this is how we both expected sex to be.
However, as time went on I had become less and less comfortable with this situation, to the point that I was feeling that I was ‘forcing’ myself on my wife even when she was the initiator. Sex had become something to avoid as I couldn’t face the feeling of deep emotional discomfort and emptiness that I would feel afterwards.
I finally realised that I would need to confront something that I had been trying to deny to myself for nearly 30 years – that I wanted to be submissive and had a big interest in bondage.
First Submissive Discovery
First I had to acknowledge to myself that the desire to be dominated and placed in bondage had always been there in the background. I still remember the first time I got physically aroused.
I was at school looking at an illustrated history book and saw a picture of some slaves. The men had their arms bound to poles across their shoulders and were being whipped by their Roman captors. I distinctly remember how I wished that I was one of those slaves and the strange feeling this gave me physically. One of the other kids noticed I had a hard-on and told the rest of the class. They all laughed at me and I felt so ashamed, but I didn’t really know why.
Accepting What You’ve Always Known
Fast forwarding to when I was in my late teenage years in the 90’s, I remember watching a late night documentary about a BDSM dungeon. I found myself mesmerised whilst watching a guy in a full latex suit and a Prince Albert penis piercing being chained up and punished by a female dome. I caught myself being massively turned on by this – both for the bondage and the female domination. I was also hugely intrigued by the PA piercing.
In some ways I am grateful to this film as it finally allowed me to put a name and a reason against how I’d felt all those years ago looking at that picture. It helped me realise I wasn’t alone in feeling this way – that other men and women felt the same way I did.
In other ways though, I hate that film. Many of the submissive men and women were embarrassed about how they felt and some the aspects of the editing (especially the trailer) implied that these people were freaks. I went to work the next day and the film was being discussed. My male colleagues called the submissive guys in the film “perverts” and “peodos” whilst they leered over the female slave that had been featured. It was this moment that I decided that no good would come from this interest and that I needed to pursue it no further.
I met my girlfriend/now wife shortly afterwards and and I took on the role and sexual interest that polite society expected me to have. For many years we led a very happy, vanilla life together. I buried my submissive and kinky sides, although my interest in a PA never declined. I almost asked my wife to get me one for my 40th birthday, but always chickened out from asking her.
However, you can only live a lie for so long before it starts to rear its ugly head. It took me a good 20 years but in early 2021 I finally realised that I needed to accept that submissive side as I couldn’t continue to avoid the intimacy that I craved. That intimacy just needed to be on different terms; terms that I hoped my wife would accept. So I finally had a conversation with her.
Coming Clean With My Wife – Accept Being A Submissive
This was the hardest conversation I’ve ever had and it wasn’t planned!
It was prompted by us both watching a TV programme that featured a guy in his 70’s who had lost his wife a few years previously. During his marriage he had realised that he was bi-sexual, but he never felt comfortable discussing this with his wife and it wasn’t until a few years after she had died had begun to actively accept that side of his sexuality. My wife turned to me and said how sad she felt that he had to hide how he felt for so many years. I realised this was a now or never moment, so I just blurted out how I had been feeling.
I explained my discomfort with being dominant and that I wanted to take a more sexually submissive role in our relationship. She was incredibly supportive and a massive weight felt like it was lifted off my shoulders, however I could see that she was disappointed for keeping this from her for so long. Not speaking to her sooner is something that I will always regret as I should have known that she would have supported me, and I had not trusted her to do so.
I then mentioned my interest in BDSM – she gave me a wry smile and said that she’d been thinking along similar lines but didn’t think I was interested! This wasn’t what I was expecting to hear, but it was like a second massive weight was lifted too.
One Ring to Rule Them All
The next few months were interesting as we slowly started to explore our new dynamic and open up to each other about our desires and sexual needs. In one of our early conversations, I brought up my long standing desire to get a Prince Albert piercing. Whilst cautious, my wife was very supportive of this, however it had one expected side effect. After the procedure I had to abstain from any sexual activity for a few weeks whilst it healed, so it was a period of forced chastity.
During this period I was only able to satisfy my wife, and I found it to be incredibly liberating. Not having the ability to masturbate, along with removing the need for her to reciprocate really helped me focus solely on her pleasure, and I was also surprised how much pleasure I got in return.
Since then she has been in complete control of my orgasms for over 9 months. It was hard for her to get over the need to reciprocate and understand that the denial in itself gives me pleasure, but she now understands and enjoys the control that she has.
Whilst my wife has me chaste, I don’t wear a chastity cage full time, as she often prefers mental chastity and loves seeing me hard and frustrated.
Less Is Often More
The me of 12 months ago would find this hard to believe, but I’ve recently asked her to leave it as long as she can between orgasms, and if she does give me one (she enjoys watching me have the release). I’ve asked if she can now ruin the majority of them. This is specifically to avoid the post orgasm drop and by leaving me slightly horny all the time, it means that I focus so much more on my wife’s pleasure now.
She recently joked that she’d had more orgasms in the past 8 weeks than the past 8 years put together, but when we sat down and thought about it she was correct!
On the other hand I’ve only had 1 full orgasm in the same period and I couldn’t be happier.
What a difference a year makes!
You can follow me on Twitter @unexpacted_item or on Reddit u/unexpacted.
I’m always happy to help my fellow submissives on their kink journeys.
Feel free to reach out to me if you have any questions or concerns – I can’t promise I will always have an answer but I will always listen!
There we have it, Kinksters – how to accept being a submissive!
I hope you enjoyed reading this guest blog and personal journey from a normal guy coming out as a submissive man! I for one can certainly relate to this story – can you? A massive shout-out to Unexpacted!
Much Kink Love,