I would like to talk a bit about coming out (to the degree that I have) with regard to my being a submissive.
Introducing Tiny Monster
I should, therefore, begin by introducing myself. I am male, in late middle-age, and married with two grown-up children. I have known that I am a submissive for as long as I can remember (many years before I ever learnt the word). I have been aware, all my life, that I felt a powerful desire – a sexual desire – to be dominated and humiliated.
I have a very strong, but not entirely exclusive, preference for femdom. What turns me on the most is the idea of being dominated by a woman.
All of my sexual fantasies are, and always have been, BDSM/kink related. I have never had a vanilla sexual fantasy. If I look at vanilla porn, I have to impose a D/s narrative onto it in order to find it arousing and ‘useful’. If I look at a photograph of a beautiful woman, my desire is to lick her boots rather than to have sex with her. I am only able to have vanilla sex – am only able to gain and maintain an erection – if I entertain a domination fantasy.
I think that I came to terms with my submissive cravings very early on. I may not have understood them (at one point in my early teens, I thought it might mean that I was gay – although we didn’t use that word back then), but I was never ashamed of them – at least, not within myself.
I was, however, acutely embarrassed about them.
Tiny Monster’s Story
I was born in 1962. The times and the society in which I grew up held it that men should be tough, aggressive, assertive, confident, and dominant. The gold standard was, I suppose, someone like John Wayne. I was brought up – by my parents and by the prevailing culture around me – to believe that if I fell short of this standard of manhood, I would be despised by both women and men. No woman would want me, and all men would abuse me.
But how I wanted to be with a woman was the exact polar opposite of tough, aggressive, assertive, confident, and dominant.
So, I lived in fear of anyone finding out about my submissive self. It was my deepest, darkest secret. I believed that if anyone knew, they would treat me with utter contempt, would mock me and bully me. I did not mind that I wanted to be dominated (I rather relished my lovely fantasies), but I could not bear the idea of being discovered.
In the first few years of my marriage, I even kept it a secret from my wife. I confess that I did feel ashamed of this; ashamed that I was not being open and honest with the woman who was my best friend, soulmate, lover, and life-partner. My wife trusted me completely (still does) and I felt as though I was betraying that trust – almost as though I were cheating on her.
Nonetheless, I kept my desire to be dominated hidden, kept it locked in my fantasies. I felt ashamed – not that I was a submissive, but that I had to imagine being spanked by another woman while having sex with my wife.
I honestly cannot recall how many years it was before I finally told my wife about my kink. I think that it might have been in the late 90s because I distinctly remember explaining how, when I looked at the beautiful Charisma Carpenter (playing Cordelia in Buffy the Vampire Slayer), I did not want to sleep with her, I wanted to grovel at her feet. Of course, this may have been during one of the many times we re-watched this wonderful series in later years.
Coming out to my wife
I made the decision to ‘come out’ to my wife for two reasons.
First, because I could no longer bear lying to her, pretending to be someone I was not, hiding my true self from the person I loved most in the world. I could no longer bear to abuse her trust.
At this point, I want to stress that I intend absolutely no criticism of anyone else. Our lives, our situations, our relationships are all different. I fully understand that others may not be able to do what I did, or may not, for any number of reasons, want to do so. I am not condemning anyone for their choices or for their circumstances. This is damned hard, and my fellow submissives have my support, my sympathy, and my respect.
I am only talking about myself here.
Second, because I wanted to be able to be more open about what I desired and about what I found arousing. I wanted to be able to be honest with my wife about my sexual feelings, just as I was honest with her about everything else. I wanted to be able to talk to her about this vitally important part of my life, my psychology, and my personality.
I was, of course, terrified about how she would react.
Which was stupid of me.
Mrs. Tiny Monster is one of the most open-minded, tolerant, loving, caring, accepting, inclusive people I have ever met. And I knew that. So why on Earth was I so scared to tell her?
I think my fear went back to that ingrained belief that I had to aspire to the John Wayne paragon of masculinity. Of course I knew, intellectually, that it was nonsense. But the notion that there was only one way to ‘be a man’ and that my being any other way would make me an object of contempt, was deeply imprinted in my psyche and my emotional responses.
Nonetheless, I ‘screwed my courage to the sticking place’ and told my wife all about my lifelong desire to be dominated and humiliated. Her response was what I should have known it would be: loving, sympathetic, supportive acceptance. No being shocked or upset; no withering contempt; no harsh judgement; and no reduction in her respect and desire for me.
The relief in finally being able to tell someone was incredible. Being ‘out’, even in this very limited way, felt liberating. My wife was amazingly understanding, and whenever I talked to her about my kinks, she never once mocked or belittled them, never once made me feel ridiculous or pathetic. I did not, however, tell her everything. I kept some of the more ‘extreme’ fetishes to myself. I did tell her about my desire to dress in women’s clothes and she was very supportive of that too. She even made a tradition of buying me sexy panties for my birthday every year.
Time went on. The children grew up and moved out, so I was able to cross-dress more freely and regularly. Nonetheless, I entered my fifties with a growing sense that I was going to die without ever having acted out my desire to submit to a real dominatrix in person.
I had a great life, good friends, a wonderful wife, and a loving family. Shouldn’t this be enough? A part of me thought that it should, and I tried to convince myself that I ought not want – let alone need – anything else. But another, very insistent, part knew that it was not. There was something missing: something very important; something that, at the back of my mind, I had always believed I would be able, one day, to have. And time was slipping away.
In truth, I did feel ashamed that my relationship with Mrs. Tiny Monster was not enough, that I might seek outside of our marriage for a fulfilment that was unavailable within it. But I wanted this so badly, wanted desperately to have the opportunity to live out my lifelong fantasies of domination and humiliation. And the march of time went on.
Then, one day, I had a revelation: it was entirely possible that my wife might not actually mind if I sought out domination from a professional Mistress. (Why it took so many years to achieve this revelation, I cannot say.)
For a start, as I said above, she is one of the kindest, most understanding, most loving people in the world. Secondly, both of us have always believed that there is absolutely nothing wrong with sex work, we believe that neither the sex workers nor their clients are doing anything to be remotely ashamed of. Thirdly, neither my wife nor I had ever been at all jealous of one another – we trusted each other completely. And so I resolved to talk to my wife about the possibility of booking a session with a pro-Domme.
I waited a few weeks for ‘the right time’ to bring it up. But I realised that there would never be a right time, there was only the time that I had – and waiting for the perfect moment was just my mind’s way of putting it off.
I told my wife I want to see a professional Dominatrix
So, one afternoon, I told Mrs. Tiny Monster that I needed to talk to her about something important. Then I made us some tea, sat next to her, held her hand, and just came straight out with it. I simply asked, “How would you feel about my seeing a professional dominatrix?” We discussed what it was that I was expecting, and my wife asked some questions, then she said that she would need a few days to think about it.
I gave her the time and space that she needed.
I should say that there was no way that I would ever have booked a BDSM session without my wife’s knowledge and blessing. Her knowing all about it was an absolutely necessary condition of my going ahead with it. I also want to stress, again, that I intend no criticism or condemnation of anyone else. This is just about how I feel, and what made it possible for me.
About a week later, we were in the car when Mrs. Tiny Monster raised the subject again. She said that she had thought carefully about it and that she understood how important it was to me. She said that she believed that she would be okay with it, that she trusted me, and that she wanted me to be happy.
We talked about what it would mean, how I would go about finding the right Mistress, what the thought processes had been that led up to my wife’s decision, and what her concerns were (my safety, mostly).
My wife agreed that she would let me know if she discovered that she really couldn’t cope with it. I agreed that I would never want to continue if it genuinely made her uncomfortable. We agreed that we would play it by ear as to how much I would tell her about what went on in session – in fact, we agreed that, given that this was uncharted territory for us, we would play it all by ear. The important thing was that we would be open and honest about everything at all times.
Booking my first session with Mistress Sakura Strike
And so I booked my first session with Mistress Sakura Strike. (It was, for those who would like to know, wonderful.)
I established, very quickly, a self-imposed rule: in order to preserve some magic and intimacy with Mistress, I do not tell my wife everything that I do with my Domme, but I will never do anything that I would not feel able to tell her about. Mrs. Tiny Monster understands and has agreed to this.
We have found, to our surprise, that my seeing Mistress Sakura – my forging a D/s relationship with her – has improved our marriage and our relationship in many ways: sexually; in the way we communicate; and in our trust and intimacy. Far from detracting from our love, it has, if anything, brought us closer than we have ever been.
My wife has been amazing – unstintingly supportive, both emotionally and financially, she has not only enabled my kink life, but has shared in it as much as possible. I owe her my gratitude and my undying love.
My sexual fantasies had always concerned being forced into submission; they always involved the idea that what was being done to me was against my will. I had never thought very much about this. I simply took it that this was just what turned me on, and I didn’t worry about it. Fantasies are fantasies after all – anything is permitted.
First initial contact with Mistress Sakura
When I first contacted Mistress Sakura, I asked for a roleplay that had this same element of coercion, that had the illusion of non-consent. And that is what we played out for the first three sessions. But, under Mistress’s guidance, as my BDSM journey has gone on, I have come to enjoy and to ask for sessions that have no roleplay. I now want to play as myself, and without the pretence that I am being forced into anything. We usually alternate such ‘lifestyle’ sessions with roleplays, which I still happen to enjoy.
I said above that I felt no internal shame for being a submissive. But I wonder whether I had simply internalised and sublimated my shame so that I was not aware of it. I wonder whether my fantasies of being dominated against my will were (are) a mental defence mechanism – a way for my unconscious mind to repress the feelings of shame and to subsume them. After all, my unconscious may be saying, if I am being forced, then I am not responsible and, therefore, need not feel shame.
With that idea in mind, it is possible that one of the things that my journey with Mistress Sakura has given me is freedom from shame (even if it was a shame that I was unaware I had).
Anyway, back to the story.
At this stage, my BDSM journey was a secret known only to me and Mrs. Tiny Monster. That changed after my second (or it might have been third) session.
My son and his wife had briefly moved in with us (while saving for a mortgage). All that I had told them was that I was ‘going to London’ for the day. When I got home, my son asked me if I had enjoyed myself. I said that I had, and I left it at that. He asked, in a perfectly ordinary way, what I had been doing, and I just said something non-committal and walked away.
My son is not stupid. He could sense that something was up. For a start, I am usually pretty effusive about the fun stuff that I do – normally, I would have regaled him with descriptions of art galleries, theatre experiences, restaurants and so on – but here I was responding with vague monosyllables. He said, “What’s going on, Dad? What’s wrong?” And I made a decision.
I had not been sessioning with Mistress Sakura for long, but already She had altered my perception of myself and my submissive nature. In short, I was becoming proud of it all – proud of my kink life, of myself, and of my nascent relationship with my Mistress.
My son is a very fine man. I trust him. I trust his love, his wisdom, and his open-mindedness. Moreover, I have always made it a policy that I do not lie to my children (and I have tried my best to live up to it). I was faced with the choice of lying to him about this, or just refusing to answer, so I made the decision that I could tell him the truth.
Coming out to my son
I began with a bit of a preamble: warning him that he might not want to know. I said, “Right now, there are lots of possibilities running through your mind, and one of them is absolutely correct – so are you sure you want to know?”
He said that I did not have to tell him if I didn’t want to, but that I could talk to him about anything. So, I told him. I also said, “I know I am supposed to say, ‘but it’s not what you think’ – but it is – it is exactly what you think.” Then I said a bit more about it (without going into detail of any BDSM activities) and told him about Mistress Sakura.
Just exactly as with my wife, he was completely unfazed and unshocked. He accepted it all at face value and told me that he was glad that I had found what made me happy. I thought he might be concerned that I was betraying his mum and was doing this behind her back. He laughed at the very idea that I could do anything that Mrs. Tiny Monster wouldn’t know about. He assured me that he just assumed that this was something that my wife and I had agreed on together.
And that was that. Once again, there was no judging, no mocking, and no condemnation – just acceptance and love.
I asked him the next day whether he had been ‘weirded out’ by my revelation and he said that he hadn’t. He said that the only thing he found a bit weird was that my Domme and I went out for lunch afterwards.
Coming out to my daughter
I then sought his advice about whether it would be the right thing to do for me to tell his sister, given that he knew about it and that I did not want to keep secrets from her either. He thought that, while it wasn’t necessary, it would not shock or upset her. So, a few weeks later, when my daughter came to visit, I took her aside and told her what I had told him.
She was absolutely fine with it.
At this point I was starting to wonder what I had been so scared of all these years. I told her what my son had said about Mistress and I going out to lunch, and she said, “Well it’s you, so I knew that food would have to be involved somehow.” My daughter knows me so well.
I told both of my children that I trusted them and their judgement, and that they could do whatever seemed best to them with the information. I said that I did not expect them to keep secrets from their respective partners, and now the whole immediate family knows. And no-one treats my kink as something nasty or shameful, or as anything other than just another eccentric thing that dad does. We talk about it openly. We joke, in a wholly good-natured way, about it. My daughter-in-law is especially keen on hearing about it. My deepest, darkest secret is simply one more aspect of our family life.
Since then, I have told my younger brother and a few close friends. Not one of them has expressed shock, dismay, or even the smallest degree of disgust. Not one person who knows about it has shown the slightest diminution of their love and respect for me.
I am, as I have said, proud of my submissive self and of my kink life. In some ways, I would like to tell everyone, I would like to shout it from the rooftops. Sometimes, I actively have to stop myself from just blurting out about it when in conversation with someone who doesn’t know. But I don’t do that for the very obvious reasons of boundaries, appropriateness, respect, and a desire not to embarrass people.
Another reason that I am not fully out is my work. I do not want my colleagues to know. I do not want my wonderful, glorious, magical relationship with my Mistress cheapened and reduced by their mockery, insults, piss-taking, and crude brutalisation.
So, I post under a pseudonym, and I try to keep my identity secret (or as secret as anything can be on the internet).
But from the small circle of friends and family (about 10 people) who know the truth, I have received nothing but support, polite interest, expressions of gladness that I have something that makes me so happy, and not a little admiration.
And all because I plucked up courage to talk openly to my wife about the only thing I had ever kept secret from her.
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