Closet Submissive interview with Manlock

Hey there, Beloved Kinksters! Manlock is an assertive, successful, confident man who has submissive tendencies but has yet to embrace his submissive side. He may be what one may call a closet submissive. In this interview I ask Manlock questions surrounding stigmatization, fears, shame and his attraction to submission.

1. When did you realise you first had submissive tendencies?

I first realised I was different when I was 4. I was looking through a He-Man comic and my Mum asked me what I was doing. I innocently flipped to the back where all of the villains were pictured and said I wanted to be captured and tied up by each of them. Her response was that it was an odd thing to want. I quickly learned to keep those thoughts to myself. 

A few years older and I was playing a game, I forget which one, with my cousin. The loser had to do whatever the other wanted for 10 minutes. I purposefully lost and she had me draw her pictures, smell her socks and do a few odd chores. I ended up doing what she wanted for nearly an hour. When she started taking the piss out of me and suggesting I liked doing what I was told I quickly put an end to the game and stated I had lost track of time. 

My early life was full of these instances. Where I accidentally let free my submissive side and was judged poorly for it. So from an early age I learned to keep it hidden. By the time I had started to learn about sex I had already begun to resent that side of me.

2. Define what you see as submissive tendencies

I think it is different for different people. For some it is nothing more than a means to reach orgasm. And that’s OK. It is a great way to achieve that. 

For others it is all there is. A desire to have control of their life stripped away and for responsibility to be someone else’s problem. And that’s OK too. 

For me personally, it can be simplified by saying I have an underlying eagerness to please. More than that I enjoy being humiliated and serving. It is not purely sexual for me. It is a side of my personality that, while repressed, is as prominent and demanding of my character as any other part of my personality. It’s an intrinsic part of me. 

And while we are all multi-faceted vehicles of human variation, I feel submission can be boiled down to a simple rule. Be respectful. Not because you know you should but because a part of your psyche genuinely wants to please them.  

3. What is it that attracts you to submission?

Oh god, nothing. I hate being a sub. It’s a curse. In my teens and early 20s I did everything I could to get rid of it. I tried aversion training. Where every time I had a submissive thought I hurt myself. I’m not in to pain so that seemed an appropriate solution. I tried therapy, Sex therapy, I even tried to kill myself in my early 20s and ended up in hospital. 

Submissive men are caught between two worlds. We are neither LGBT and therefore do not have the solidarity or support offered to those who are (nor much of the condemnation). Nor are we “normal” and therefore we are judged for what we are. 

Equally I don’t orgasm from vanilla sex. And so unless I have been having sex with the lights off and therefore am free to close my eyes and imagine a more suitable scene I have always had to fake an orgasm. 

It limits our options for romantic partners because the vast majority of people are not dominant. Were it not for sex-workers I believe there would be little outlet for our submissive selves at all. But then were I not a sub I would not need to pay to form a fulfilling relationship. My heartfelt opinion is sex workers prevent a lot of male suicide and are never appreciated for that.

I do not understand why I am a sub which is in such direct conflict with the rest of my personality which is assertive and confident nor do I want to be one. But I am one and there is nothing I can do about it. Believe me, I have tried.

Having said that I can imagine when I find a Mistress the magnitude of the feelings I will feel when submitting and serving will be life altering. So I guess I like the idea of that. 

I also attribute much of my success to my subby side. With an underlying desire to please comes a willingness to work hard to achieve that goal. That work ethic has served me well many times in the past and has ensured I received promotion after promotion. So I suppose I like that side of it.

4. What fears do you have going into this?

About seeking a Domme? Or exploring my subby side? I’m not sure. I am generally capable of navigating the minefield that is meeting new people and I have thought about what I am and researched what I am long enough to have a foundation understanding of what would be expected of me.

I guess I fear a social or cultural mistake. I am used to a different world with different rules. I am still learning about this one. So I fear I will offend someone inadvertently. 

I suppose I fear that I will enjoy it. I consider myself a man (or woman. Sometimes I think I identify more as the feminine but this is a path of thinking I find incredibly confusing) who is submissive rather than a sub who happens to be a man. I do not want my subby side to define me. Influence me perhaps, inspire me for sure but not define me. And I am afraid I will taste submission and become addicted to it which in turn might force me to de-prioritise some of the things I hold dear to me now. 

My greatest fear though is that someone I know will find out. Most importantly someone I know through work. That would ruin me. 

5. You are a successful person, are you worried this will in some ways emasculate you in the work environment?

Yes. Massively. My career is important to me. I wouldn’t want anything to interfere with that. If they knew in my heart of hearts that I were a submissive crossdresser with gender identity confusions my career would be over. 

Society does not judge people like me well and I have to manage a great deal of people and negotiate with a lot of powerful people. Knowing what I am would give them all the leverage to tear me apart. Of course they wouldn’t admit this is why my job was over. But I doubt I would keep my job for a month. 

I do not resent the choices I have made to arrive here however. All of life is a compromise. For every action you take there are a thousand actions who have not taken. With only a limited time we always have to make compromises. I will never be a famous Football player for example because I made other life choices. So I am happy I pursued a career and volunteer work and have found success there. These are important to me and my greatest fear is that finally exploring who I am might jeopardise those things.

 

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6. Do you feel there is a social stigma associated with embracing submission?

Whether you call it patriarchy, culture or society the reality is Men are told from a young age that they are supposed to be strong, emotionally distant and dominant

I recall once, when I was 6, that I was in a race. I am fairly athletic and so I was doing well. I was in second. The person beating me was a girl. She was incredible. Then from the crowd someone shouted “C’mon Manlock*, you can’t be beaten by a girl.”. Now of course this is very damaging for the girl who was being reduced to someone supposedly incapable because of the physiology she was born with.

But it upset me too. Why not? Why can’t I be beaten by a girl? Why place that pressure on me when I was not only happy for her to beat me but felt like she should win. Deserved to win. She was a faster runner than me. Than everyone. This was a confusing message for a 6 year old

For a lot of people, both men and women, the idea that a man can be not only submissive but seek out humiliation or pain is not only alien but something to be afraid of or taken advantage of. 

Society views male subs very poorly. Including in the scene. So many men behave inappropriately that we tend to be starting from the back foot from the get go. 

7. Closet Submissive. What is it that you find shameful about being a submissive?

Most of my shame is external. I feel shame in how I think others will perceive me. I also don’t understand it. It makes no sense to me that I should enjoy doing work for someone else for free. That I should enjoy being humiliated, spat on or mentally defeated by another human. 

And I think I am right to fear this. I remember telling two girlfriends in my early 20s that I have submissive tendencies and wondered if they would be willing to explore them with me. Both dumped me there and then. Once far nicer than the other but both with the same look of repulsion. I have never told a partner since. 

But I don’t feel shame for who I am internally. I have made my peace with it. I find it inconvenient and I wish I wasn’t one but I can’t feel shame for something I have no ability to remove or affect. I was born this way. And while it is an aspect of my personality I do my best to repress, I do so for fear of how I will be viewed rather than how I view myself. 

I actually quite like myself and feel I do my best even when I get it wrong. 

8. How do you view other submissives?

They are people. Some are respectful, funny and interesting. Others are not. 

I do tend to find a common desperation amongst submissive men. A need for attention with no one to alleviate their needs. This manifests in different ways. Some become self-serving or disrespectful. I try not to interact with guys like that. Some isolated and depressed. And others accept their situation and continue on with life with no remarkable affect. 

Either way I do not judge someone for being submissive. Not positively or negatively.

9. If you don’t embark on this journey do you feel like something will be missing in your life?

Yes. Something has been missing for all my life. I have tried to gain small tastes of it without letting anyone know what I am but it rarely works. I have tried telling people but that has always ended in disaster. 

And so at 40, I now have the courage to at least explore the scene if only intermittently. But to disregard an aspect of your personality is like going through life with only three limbs and a permanent unhealing wound where the other should be. 

It hurts at times. Like a fire inside that burns at your soul. At other times it is like an itch that cannot be scratched.  

I can ignore these and have done so with some success but I would love to see if it is possible to fill the void that has been missing within me. I am happy to do so slowly. Tentatively. Meeting people and learning their stories to see if any of it resonates with me. 

If nothing else it will gain me friends with people who know and I don’t mind that I am different. That is already better than I have now. 

***

There we have it, kinksters. A big shout out to Manlock – thank you for sharing your story and thoughts on what it’s like to live as a closet submissive – something that many of us can relate to. You are not alone my friend.

Kinksters, you can connect with Manlock on Facebook, Twitter or Fetlife.

I hope you enjoyed reading this interview blog. Are you a closet submissive? Do you know someone who might be? Let’s support each other so please feel free to SHARE this blog post with others. Feel free to hit me up on Twitter and Instagram @Podopheleus.

Much Kink Love

Podopheleus

P.S – UPDATE! Since publishing this original interview, Manlock agreed to speak with me further in this Fetish Interview – have a read, share and remember to follow & support on social.

P.S. Interested to read other interviews with Submissive Men…? Then check out this blog too.

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