Exploring Kink! I was thinking about my journey in kink recently. How I first became aware that my desires were out of the ordinary, how I first learned about kink at all, what the drivers were for me and how it took me so long to fully explore what I had only peripherally dabbled in during the first phase of my sex life.
I decided to share my story on Podopheleus
Exploring Kink – the early years….
My first recollection of an erection occurred when I was only 6 years old. My brother was home vising from the army, he is 12 years older than me, and in his kit, that I was not supposed to be exploring, I found a 3 pack of condoms. I had no idea what they were, but the smell and feel of them as I opened the packages and played with them, blowing them up and feeling the soft rubber, and their aroma, new to me, I became aware that I had an erection and that it felt good to play with it. I had not idea that I had discovered by latex fetish at 6 years old.
My first real exposure to “my darkness” occurred when I was 16 years old. I was a gymnast on tour in West Berlin in 1976, a real liberal city in those days. Sex shops on every corner, and “Live Fucking” shows on every block it seemed. I spent a good deal of time in a sex shop pursuing the magazines, and ended up purchasing a hard-core porn magazine that was small enough to smuggle back to South Africa, with well written straight up kink that included bondage, impact play, piss play, incest and ass play. It also had an assortment of very hot photos, before the second half of the magazine, which was all written porn. I read and re-read one particular story that aroused me in ways I did not fully understand. It was a story about a mother-daughter team of geisha girls who serviced their client together. The story described him torturing the daughter’s breasts by pinching her nipples so hard she screamed while her mother tongue fucked his ass and stroked his cock. The climax of the story had him fucking the mother’s ass while she ate her daughter’s pussy, and when he got close, she called out to him to “Hurry up and cum and then piss in my ass before you lose your hard on.” I stroked my cock to that particular story thousands of times! I never understood at the time that the fantasies I conjured up around that story were really my first glimpse of my own darkness. I was hard wired to be a kinkster.
Just a year later, at 17, I had a much more direct experience in kink that caused me to experience arousal as a voyeur. I played footsie with a girl, K, who sat in front of me in class. She would often masturbate in class while sitting on my foot (I didn’t realize I had a foot fetish). One day she created a disturbance by being a bit too vigorous and to noisy and was brought to the front of the class for punishment. In my high school class, girls were not spanked on the ass, they usually got detention or a slap on the hand with a ruler. She said, “cane me”. The teacher, a 40ish year old Afrikaans man, and a real sadist got a wry smile on his face. “Bend over” he said in his thick accent, and she did just that. I was quite aroused watching her. In my high school, the girls wore mid-thigh length pale blue skirts and she bent over so her hands were below her skirt and about the level of her knees. She got caned hard. He caned her 3 times. She took her strokes without a word, other than turning bright red by the third stroke, and then, returning to her desk, gestured with a quick shake of her head for me to keep my foot on her chair. She sat gingerly on my foot and experienced a massive and quite vocal orgasm that the class misunderstood to be a cry of anguish as they looked away. I knew what she experienced and at the same time, my cock was fully aroused and was throbbing. This experience awakened something in me, a hunger of sorts, although I’m clear that even with that real time glimpse into my darkness, it really was only a crack in my vanilla shell.
Exploring kink from college and beyond
During my college days and beyond, I had a couple of “kink light” experiences. I had one girlfriend with long hair who would come out of the shower and whip my cock with her wet hair, and another who loved to eat my ass. Both kinks that I was not aware of in my youth. If I am honest though, the majority of the sex I had was straight up vanilla and what was expected at the time. Straight hetero sex. Missionary position, or occasional a doggy style or cowgirl entry. None of it very kinky.
At age 26 I married the preacher’s kid, and she was pure vanilla in bed. My sex drive was so much higher than my spouse, and so I found myself in my late 20’s spending time reading and fantasizing over the “Back-Page” personals of the local free papers where women and men were very direct in their seeking posts. This was evident by them inviting hard core kink into their lives. I was so intrigued and quite envious. Jealous more like. I tentatively reached out to and talked to several of these women and found the conversations seamless. I am naturally dominant, and they soaked up my fantasies. Kinky phone sex was my first real foray into kink as an experience. Eventually my growing desire for kink had me connect with a submissive woman who got really turned on by my fantasy about handcuffing her to the park bench at the local university and using her hard and repeatedly while bound there, so she invited me to meet her at a local restaurant and to take her back to her home to give her a “hard spanking with a wooden paddle”. It was my first real experience as a Dom. When we met I asked for her consent and offered her a butt plug to insert. She went to the bathroom and came back to hand me her panties and she said “I am plugged sir, you have my consent”. I saw her a couple of times before she wanted more of me than I could offer.
The Vanilla Life
By coincidence, a couple of weeks later, in my vanilla life, while we were packing to move our house, my wife found the toys I had purchased in a bag that I had placed at the back of a file drawer in the garage. She confronted me right there in the garage, and so I shared with her what I had done and why. She instantly kink-shamed me and insisted that I “Get rid of the toys.” I contacted the sub that I had played with and gave her a departing hug as I handed her the toys that I had only ever used in a scene with her. She was tearful at the moment, and although I never saw her again, we kept in touch, and I learned that she had connected with a Dom with whom she was happy. Even though my wife kink-shamed me, she would ask me to tell her about the play scenes I had engaged in with other women during our own foreplay. That is not to say that she approved of me playing with other women. She also made it clear that she wasn’t interested in exploring her sexuality in kink beyond fantasy. Kink was for “other people”.
Over time, my darkness pulled me to seek out a variety of kinky experiences on a slightly more frequent basis, which had the natural impact of my wife and I drifting further and further apart as we became emotionally as well as physically estranged. As my desire, both online and off, to pursue kinky experiences accelerated, divorce became inevitable. Our divorce was the natural result of the space growing between us day-by-day. We were not on the same page at all in terms of our sexuality.
After we separated, I had made the choice to investigate and explore my dark side. I was fortunate to experience a truly kinky existence where I got to do whatever I wanted, with whomever I wanted, as much as I wanted, and as often as I wanted. I got really related to my sadistic urges and I was surprised at the number of submissive women who chose to kneel for me, but even so, I found the lack of intimacy the key driving force in my ongoing search for a partner.
Exploring Kink – Meeting Lady Petra
My search led eventually to creating a 24/7 TPE dynamic in relationship with Lady Petra, with whom I have a sex forward, deeply kinky and truly loving relationship.
That’s the preamble to my thoughts about the role of kink in forming truly loving relationships.
Here is the premise. Sex is one of the most powerful driving motivators of behavior for human beings. It’s also true that sex is one of the primary sources of conflict that leads to space existing between a couple. To put it another way, conflict about sex causes couples to build distrust which gradually evolves into contempt for one another. Consider that it’s very common to have fantasies about other partners while engaging in sex with your partner. It was definitely true for me, where I had to make up kinky fantasies my head in order to have sex with my wife. And I am sure that my wife had her own fantasies going as well. When we had sex, I would almost always fantasize about my “ideal kink scenario” which more often than not were scenes like the one I read about for all those years, or my high school experience watching K get caned. The important part of this to understand is that I would never tell my wife about the fantasies I was having while I was fucking her. I was embarrassed, ashamed, and worried that she would kink shame me. So as time passed, more and more space developed between us. The less we talked about our deeply held sexual desires, the more inclined I was to seek satisfaction outside of our marriage with women who were sex positive and deeply kinky. On a gradient, more and more space developed between us. From 10,000 feet up, it was obvious, although in retrospect, the space was not even slightly visible to me at the moment. This is the nature of relationship. We are committed to looking good even at great cost.
I know now that as human beings we live inside of stories. Stories about sexuality are deeply held self-beliefs. We create self-talk like: “I am not …. enough” or “I can’t have …” etc. At any given moment, and because we live inside of a story hidden from our view, we don’t realize that the story is driving the context of our life. Even as the impacts mount, the reality is hidden from our view. Gaining access to this information, that those self-beliefs give us context, was key for me to be able to create something new like the dynamic that I have created with Lady Petra.
A “created relationship”
What I have with her, is what we call a “created relationship” that is sourced in kink. Which means that in the context of our sexuality we have regular and authentic conversations about what we like, what we desire, and what we don’t like or want to experience. There is nothing wrong and she can ask or request anything as can I. She creates me as her Dom, and I create her as my sub. This means that there is quite literally no space between us that arises from unspoken sexual desire. We also have a commitment to not allow any space to occur. Unspoken withholds are out of integrity. The result is that we are able to ongoingly create unimpeded connection. The fact that we allow no space between us and that our relatedness and connection continues to expand and grow inside of an integrous relationship means that we get infinitely closer and closer together and it feels like we are one. We are each being 100% responsible for the health of our dynamic.
We describe palpable “magnetism” between us. She experiences my energy as much as any other part of my being. The energy between us pulls us closer together. We experience it as “animal magnetism.” The sex is ridiculously hot. Its naughty, its kinky, its passionate, its daily.
So, to summarize on exploring kink
Having an authentic sex positive relationship sourced in kink with both partners in full unconstrained communication provides an opening for a deeper connection which is self-fulfilling as the couple gets closer and closer till the magnetism itself takes over and the couple is drawn together with an unbreakable electro chemical bond.
In that as kinksters we explore our darkest fantasies in reality, a significant cause of human inauthenticity is resolved, making the fullness of relationship available. The closeness that kink creates, especially in the context of an aligned D/s couple, allows ever deeper sharing to occur. So, closeness creates closeness. It’s the source of our ability to connect energetically.
Consider that the difference between almost boiling water and actually boiling water creates a change in state of the water such that instead of just being able to make tea, you can actually move a train. That same idea is true in relationship. If you are all in with the integrity that kink creates and allows for, the dynamic can also experience a change in state. One that solidifies a relationship with superglue.
Kink, practiced correctly, that is with integrity and authenticity in the dynamic, causes relationship.
I wrote this prose recently:
“I have had the experiences of a lifetime
I have endured the long painful existence of a mostly sexless vanilla marriage
I have explored being a “fuck-any-slut” Dom
I have explored polyamory to a degree
I have been a Bull to Hotwives
I have discovered my true self-expression as a Dom and as a Sadist
I have collared a submissive masochist
I am living in a 24/7 TPE
What is so is that I am more fulfilled sexually, emotionally and in relationship that I have ever been in all my life
Kink was my access to happiness
In truth, gratitude is the access to happiness
Through kink, I found a partner with whom I am truly aligned
With her I am experiencing intimacy, love and happiness for the first time in my life
I am experiencing a state of bliss
Kink was my access to happiness
I am grateful for my kinky existence”
We live in a sex positive kink forward 24/7 Total Power Exchange dynamic where we are exploring BDSM as an ongoing part of our dynamic. We are experiencing intimacy, connection, relatedness, and love in a really beautiful way. For two years now, she has lived a collared existence. We are both happier and more joyful than we have ever been. We describe our experience of our life as “blissful” since we connected. We both think that the source of all of what we have experienced is our ability to be vulnerable with each other. That only came about because we were willing to trust each other. We got access to trust through kink. Exploring kink has given us access to happiness.
You can access the coaching services offered by Lady Petra Playground by reaching out for an initial conversation- LadyPetraPlaground@gmail.com
SafferMaster and Lady Petra offer Kink Relationship Coaching with online, group, and personal coaching options.
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