Guest Blog: “GreySexuality – What it means to me” by Manlock
There are times when we are suddenly thrust unwillingly in to discomfort. Times when the world makes no sense and the words being spoken around you are as alien to you as a foreign language.
For some of us those times occur more frequently than we would like.
Picture this scene…
You have just walked in to your local. Cigarette smoke visibly drifts around the patrons, clouding your view. A mix of sweat, alcohol and the aforementioned smoke assaults your sense of smell but your mind is used to the offense.
Your friends and you walk in and find a table. You are too busy laughing at each others jokes to notice or care about who might be around you.
A group of women walk past and your friend points them out. Discussion and laughter slows to a halt around your table as all eyes fall on the new comers.
It is then that the discomfort starts.
“Mate! I would fucking love to bring her home” comes a confident voice to your left.
“Bet she gives the best blow jobs” says another of your friends, his voice dripping with lust.
“I’m going to buy her a drink mate.” Says a third voice whose owner does not in-fact get up to buy anyone a drink.
It is these comments that make me squirm. I want to tell you that it is a sense of honour that causes my discomfort. I would like to herald my altruism to you in a bid to make myself look better in your eyes dear reader. But that isn’t the case here. Of course it is not my way to treat anyone with disrespect but my discomfort runs even deeper than that.
I don’t want to bring her home. I don’t want a blow job. I certainly don’t want to “fuck her in the back of my mates Pergeot 205.”
I have of course tried these things. Multiple times. My ability to talk has always endeared me to the opposite sex. At times they have asked me back to theirs or to another suitable place such as the beach or my car.
To save face I agree and always regret it. You see, a blow job does not excite me. Even worse, sex does not excite me. I have learned to fake orgasms but that took time to do it convincingly. Before then one humiliation followed another as I was unable to finish.
I have spoken at length about being a submissive and the challenges that can come with it and I am not sure how to write about my gender confusion but this is something I have not written enough about.
If culture and society are to be believed sex is the holy grail. We should all spend as much time having it as possible and when we aren’t having it we should be in pursuit of it and thinking about it. Movies, books, songs and our peers will all tell you that sex is the pursuit above all else. That is what we are told. That is who we should be.
I just … cant. I am attracted to women. I am attracted to them physically and mentally. I love kissing and hugging and can be excited by both of these. I even like the feel of a woman’s hand on my penis. So why then can I not be excited by sex? Or a blow job? What is it I have done to deserve to be so different? What wrong did I do to be so alienated from my peers? To suffer humiliation and self doubt whenever in an intimate situation with a woman?
The answer would not come to me for many years.
I knew that being dominated in various ways were what I needed to finish. And at times I could reach that goal if I shut my eyes and took my minds eye to a place where a woman held dominion over me. I cherished those moments as I proudly finished for my partner to see. It was all I could do not to jump up and shout loudly that sex had made me climax such was the rarity of those occasions.
I was not a particularly satisfactory partner in those times. With my mind so focused on other events I could not perform as well as I would have liked. But I managed to finish. Something I have repeatedly been told by partners is important for their own enjoyment.
But even as a submissive why did I not enjoy vanilla activities? Was there anyone else like me?
I found articles on submissives and BDSM and I eventually found Fetlife which went some way to normalising my desire to be dominated. But not so the inability to enjoy or lust over less kinky activities.
What is Greysexual?
One fateful day I was interviewed on this very site by Pod and someone on Twitter read my interview.
Miss Pearl (@OMissPearl) tweeted about my interview and mentioned that I might be Grey Asec or Greysec. It was a complimentary tweet and one I felt compelled to respond to. I thanked her and asked her what Greysec meant.
What followed was a fairly life changing discussion. Miss Pearl went on to explain that Greysec (Greysexuals) or grey A-sec (Grey Asexuals) is a recognised form of sexuality.
To understand it you need to understand the spectrum.
What people often refer to as “normal” is a sexual attraction to someone else be that people of the same gender or a different gender. These people are called Allosexual. And tend to be comparatively common if the media is to believed.
On the flip side you have Asexual people. People who get little to no attraction to other people. This of course doesn’t mean they don’t have sex. Just that it isn’t a necessarily important criteria should they seek a companion(s).
But like kink, mental health, and pretty much everything it is a spectrum. Some Asexual people might have a little attraction. Some none at all. Some Allosexual people might have a lot of attraction to a lot of people. Others less so.
And then in the middle you have Greysexual people. People who do feel attraction to others but only in certain circumstances. These people might not prioritise sex when looking for companions (me) or require other activities for sex to be enjoyable (also me) or just sometimes being attracted and other times not (not so much me).
I should point out that this is a very high level view of the sexualities and there are other types such as demisexuality etc. but this gives a basic understanding of this articles subject matter.
Miss Pearl is a fountain of knowledge. The way she communicates makes it easy and safe to learn the abundant information she is able to impart. She is non-judgemental and not in the least bit patronising. I am so thankful the chance allowed for this conversation to take place.
Imagine going your whole life (I am over 40 now) not knowing why you didn’t enjoy sex when all of the world told you that sex is the ultimate goal.
Miss Pearl took time out of her day to alleviate this concern and put in to context what I thought was wrong with me. I flooded her with questions and she answered each one calmly and thoroughly until I understood so much more about myself.
I felt relieved honestly. Relieved that there was nothing wrong with me. This isn’t a mental health issue. It isn’t a past trauma continuing to haunt me. This, like my sub side and like my gender confusions is an integral part of my ever-shifting personality.
It means I can now chase what I enjoy without fear that I am wrong in doing so. I am indifferent to sex. I am indifferent to blow jobs. Unless I am being dominated or am with someone who has some kind of dominion over me I am unlikely to reach the finish line. And that’s okay.
Of course, there is a sadness to this too. Knowing this completes the trilogy of partner repellents inherent within me. Not only am I submissive, a trait incredibly off putting for a large number of potential partners, and not only am I gender fluid and want to wear both masculine and feminine attire, I am also greysexual. Between those three my chances for finding a partner are incredibly limited.
But of course, people in my situation do have the option to hide these elements of ourselves and bettering our chances of finding affection. I am not saying this is the right course of action of course. But it is comforting to know that it is an option.
However, this was the option I went with for the vast majority of my life. It is not one I am in a rush to pursue again. And the advantage of being greysexual is that I do not miss the sex. The affection and companionship are heavily missed but my friends have that covered for now.
I think back to my journey so far and realise the people I am most grateful for are those who have shown kindness. Often resulting in my learning more about myself. The mere existence of people like Miss Pearl means the scene and its community are infinitely richer. A woman who has experienced and learned and has no issue helping those without that experience along their way. She offers no condemnation or negativity. And so I admire and thank her for her help in uncovering this 40 year long mystery about myself.
So if you are greysexual that’s okay. We can’t choose it. We can’t deny it. At times we can’t even hide it (And why should we?). Allow it to be what it is and seek that which allows intimacy to be pleasurable for you. It isn’t abnormal. It isn’t weird. It just is. And that’s okay.Manlock
Thankyou for reading
Miss Pearl: https://twitter.com/OMissPearl
There we have it, Kinksters!
A massive Shout-Out to Manlock for sharing your knowledge and insights on the different types of sexualities.
Check out my interviews with Manlock here.
Fetish Interview with Manlock
Closet Submissive interview with Manlock
And my truly insightful interview with the BDSM Educationalist – Miss Pearl.
Kinksters let’s support each other – so please SHARE this informative article with others, to help provide education to all kinksters. Also, feel free to hit me up on Twitter @podofeleus and Instagram @Podopheleus.
Much Kink Love,
P.s. Check out all Podopheleus interviews here.