Podopheleus interviews MamaKink – kinkster in a vanilla marriage

Hello again, Kinky Ones! I’ve been following MamaKink on Twitter for quite some time now. Oh, I’ve had too many interesting conversations with MamaKink! I wanted to learn more about Her, and my curiosity led me to request an interview. And here we are, 👇 look! Get ready, because this is one helluva story.

1. Tells us your kinky story

In November last year Podopheleus sent me 6, what I then thought were, quite straightforward questions about being kinky and living with a vanilla husband. I had been talking about this subject, and my previous kinky marriage, regularly by then and thought I had all the details straight in my mind, but even though I answered all but one question within a few days I felt dissatisfied with what I had written.

I contacted Podopheleus and said that I had not forgotten but that I had to leave it for a few days and would revisit it with a fresh eye; and so here I am nearly three months later, so glad that no-one was holding their breath while they waited for my story…!

Up until the second revisit I would have told you that my kinky journey started when I married a man, ten years older than me, who turned out to be a closeted, submissive fetishist in the bedroom, but in a way it started for me many years before that.

When I was growing up there were many strong women role models all around me; my mother and aunts were all heads of their households with their husbands taking the more submissive role. Although I did not realise until recently those relationship dynamics have in many ways shaped my own needs, wants and my kinky persona which has only really started to blossom in my forties and fifties. 

First marriage – discovering role dynamics

MamaKink

Fast forward to me married for the first time. Although I was not a virgin I was far from experienced so when my husband wanted to experiment with kinky stuff I thought “ok, I’ll give it a go”; within a few years what I had thought was a passing phase (a bit of sexual adventuring where we both swapped roles, dabbled in a bit of bondage and other kinky play) had actually become his default preference in the bedroom.

I was completely lost and woefully unprepared to deal with my feelings on the subject, let alone my husband’s. I didn’t know who to talk to or where to get help because this was the early 1980s and this was private “stuff”; my husband had a very conservative career and a reputation to protect.

Bizarrely I ended up speaking to a family friend who was a psychiatrist. His advice to me was as follows; my husband needed his bondage and fetish side. Needed it. It was not a choice for him, not a want but a need and it was something he found security in and released from the pressure and demands of his job.

He said I had two choices; 1. walk away from the marriage or 2. embrace the kink side of my husband’s life. Needless to say I chose choice 3. and did neither of us any favours, I stayed with him whilst I evolved into his reluctant and resentful dominant in the bedroom.

I regularly reiterated my belief that what I really wanted was a “normal” vanilla husband and sex life and ruthlessly quashed my own budding desire for things much darker than that. I had a couple of lovers for nearly a decade then I was celibate for thirteen years. After twenty-four years of marriage my first husband and I had grown apart and we divorced.

2nd chance…

For a very brief period I experimented with not being in control but that didn’t go well at all because I was mentally in a dark and vulnerable place and being dominated felt like (and still feels like) a bad fit for me. So, at the time when I was mentally starting to come out of the closet of my own making, I met and married my second husband. For a couple of years there was some kinky potential and the rosy glow of a new relationship, both of which masked the fact that my growing need for control and dominance was not being met. 

Today I am a fifty-seven year old kinky, dominant, menopausal woman with a vanilla husband who I have lived with for 13 years. We have not had sex for over three years, and we sleep in separate bedrooms. There is not one cane, restraint, cock cage or nipple clamp in our house, not even a vibrator. It sounds a bit dismal, kink-wise, but bear with me and read on! 

2. Can you explain what it feels like to be married to a vanilla man? And how does your husband feel about your kinks?

MamaKink

In the last few years it has been far from pleasurable being married to a vanilla man basically because he has absolutely no interest in anything but plain vanilla sex without even a dusting of kink. In contrast I have next-to-no interest in sex but need the high from a power exchange. It has been, on occasion, very frustrating and is only getting worse.

I have mentioned that I am menopausal and that means I am sometimes anxious or depressed and on a really bad day the situation I find myself in smacks of “what goes around comes around” and I think being kinky, married to a vanilla man, is my punishment for being the vanilla wife of a kinky man and making his life more miserable than it needed to be.

My first husband (who now identifies as Transgender) is still very much part of my life and family and sympathises; then they take me to coffee and tell me everything about all-things-pink. 

(It is funny but every time I write that my husband is vanilla it sounds to me like this is a bad thing and it really is not. It is just not MY thing.)

My husband has been quite closed-off about having any kind of discussion I initiate about kink in general, never mind me or us personally. I occasionally get a jokey reference that makes him smile or I have in the past reached for one of his nipples to tweak (because hey! I love a sexy nipple, his are gorgeous, and the sadist in me likes the reactions!) and he has looked at me accusingly, told me I am weird, really not understanding why I would want to do that to him. It is not fun at all for either of us if he does not like it. 

Having said all that, a few months ago rather surprisingly he threw into a random conversation about some kink friends of mine that it might be ok to have a submissive in the house with a domestic service kink. Then he asked, “it’s not about sex, is it?” and for me it is not but I know for some it is. The subject has not been brought up since but more because life has got in the way, but I expect this conversation to be revisited when it all calms down.

3. What are your kinks? When did you discover your kinks?  And were you aware of your kinks before you got married? 

When asked what are your kinks? I always hesitate with my answer because I am still finding out what “floats my boat” and I love that as I get older my horizons are widening rather than narrowing, so this is not a finite list. What I know about myself right now is that I need to be in control/dominate, I want a power exchange with that special person or even special people.

In the last year I have found that I need to take a caretaker role and that really surprised me because for as long as I can remember the sadistic streak where I like to hurt men (but only if they want to be hurt) was at the forefront of my experience and very much something I thought I needed.

Maybe I am just mellowing as I get older, who knows. I have a particular interest in orgasm denial and male chastity; I am a voracious voyeur and occasionally I have been an exhibitionist. I would very much like small services done for me and my feet worshipped. 

MamaKink

As to when I discovered my kinks? Well as I already mentioned at the same time as I realised my first husband’s kinks were not going to go away I started to develop some of my own, I just didn’t label them and probably denied them even to myself because I just wanted what I thought was a “normal” relationship. 

I don’t think I fully realised about how my brain found contentment in control and dominance until I started working again after 16 years of being a housewife, but then my life went into free-fall for over a decade so I did nothing about it. Having said that, I did nothing I have to admit that was to my detriment, and it made me a very unhappy woman. Finally out of the ashes I found Twitter where male chastity and FemDom/FLR all came at me in a luscious rush and my need positively roared to life. 

As I have said already, I knew that I had kinks before I got married the second time and I could even name them! But at the beginning our newness and exploring covered up the fact that I was closer to my first husband with kink being not a want but a need. Perhaps if I had thought about it more before we got married at the very least we could have had The Talk to see if this was something we could navigate together.

4. I am also in a vanilla marriage; my solution was to visit a prodomme. Have you considered becoming a pro domme? Or what is your solution?

I have never wanted to be a prodomme and I am not interested in dominating for money. However, I think that the right prodomme can make a world of difference to a submissive male who has nowhere else to turn; someone very close to me has gone down this route and it has made a huge difference to his mental health. Just to be seen by someone as who he really is has been such a relief and a joy to him.

Last year I was wondering if I am too old to be exploring my kinks practically with someone. It is hard to find the right play partner at the best of times and as my first husband and I were never in the BDSM scene, therefore my experience as a dominant is very much homegrown.

I am a “hedge witch” of kink, if you will. Over more than a decade I learnt what my husband wanted and needed and provided that; looking for a sub or slave to grow a relationship from scratch again seems daunting which is why I have been procrastinating. 

The dilemma is how do I find that person when I still don’t want to be part of the wider BDSM scene? Not to say that I have been idle: I have played but it has been virtually. A lovely man in Australia gave me my first taste of Top Drop after I played with him (no, Top Drop is not at all a nice feeling, but it was/is worth it) and since then I have formed other relationships with like-minded kinky people or those that find @MidlifeKink approachable for something other than a dick pic depository.

In 2019 my grief therapist, who was not at all kink aware, suggested to me, when I mentioned I was missing kink and power exchange in my relationship, that at my time of life I should be grateful for occasional gentle lovemaking. Well in 2022, I have the support of my ex, kink friends and rather unexpectedly I have found a leather family, so that is not the way this phase of my life will go! I have made a choice for me, that is acceptable to me, and I am going to get old “disgracefully”. 

And my relationship with my vanilla husband right now? I look after the home and the finances, he brings me breakfast in bed every day, makes tea, braids my hair, and washes my feet every night we bath together. I do not ever mention the terms domestic service or FLR but each of the things he does for me were given freely and not asked for. There is some contentment in that for both of us, so all is not lost.

5. You were previously married to a kinky man, but at the time you were as vanilla as they come, what caused such a transition?

MamaKink

I was a bit of a late developer both for having boyfriends (boys my own age found me “too much”) and working out what made me purr sexually. It was not until I was in my early twenties that I found out what turned me on physically and mentally. My best friend lent me her stash of erotic novels and I soon weeded out the ones that triggered a response in me.

Those books, and my first husband’s own kinks, particularly heavy bondage, opened a whole new world for me and that world was a long way from vanilla! As I explained I locked that all down for whatever reason (and shame may have been one of them initially) for many years; I brought up my family, worked, did all the things that everyone expected of me.

The need to control/dominate always simmered in the background. After my divorce there was a long period of time where I felt I had no control over any part of my life but conversely this was about the time I allowed my inner kinky to come out to play and now finally I feel there are no reasons to keep that part of me caged I feel almost whole. 

6. Lastly, what advice would you give to your younger self – prior to your first marriage?

That’s easy! Be less blinkered and open yourself to new experiences. Do not be pressured by societal norms into being anything but your true self because, I know it is a cliché, life really is too short! And while I am dispensing the clichés I think “love and accept yourself” and that means every part of you but especially the kinky parts!

There we have it, Kinksters! 

I hope you enjoyed reading this powerful, heartfelt, sincere interview blog! A huge Shout-Out to the ever so lovely MamaKink! Thank you so much for taking your time out to answer my questions and for sharing your story with me.

>>> Please follow MamaKink on Twitter so you don’t miss out on the latest!

If you have a story you would like to tell, please email us at Kink@podopheleus.com.

Let’s support each other, Kinksters! So please feel free to SHARE this interview blog with others. Feel free to hit me up on Twitter @podofeleus and Instagram @Podopheleus.

Much Kink Love,

Podopheleus 🖤

https://linktr.ee/Podopheleus

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