My first time with a professional Dominatrix – Part 1

I have decided to document my journey in to professional domination. If you have read my previous articles, you will know this is a big step for me. Both because of the internal conflict between my nature and nurture and because I have a strange relationship with money and have struggled with the idea of paying for someone to dominate me (Please note I have never thought the service not worth it. I have my own internal conflict with spending money). 

I write this to sort through my own thoughts and I publish it on the off chance that someone else going through what I am going through might take solace from it.

A couple of notes before I get started. Every stage of this journey is being written within days (often hours) after it occurs. That means it is fresh and to begin with, without knowing how the first session will go. That way you will read about the parts I struggle with as well as the parts I enjoy as they happen. 

(Edit: I am writing this paragraph having now almost completed the article months after this intro was written. This article is long and will likely need to be split out in to multiple articles. It details the difficulties I had in finding someone and then the profound and exciting experience I had when I did find someone. It will be my truth, so to begin with it isn’t all positive. But hang in there. It becomes massively positive.) 

Lastly, I just cannot add the capitals showing respect to a dominatrix in my writing. It goes against the integrity of my writing. Please know that in my head when speaking about a dominatrix I am attributing her the honour she deserves and when I write about her on Twitter I will always add the capital. But in an article it makes me wince and so have chosen not to do that. 

The decision

As many journeys do, this journey starts with a decision. I have been to a few events and played a little but my experience in kink is sorely lacking. My ultimate goal is to make friends in the scene. To explore with those friends both through discussion but also through experience. For it to be a shared experience beneficial to both parties where we are both wanting to be there purely to spend time with the other. 

I imagine that is a goal we all share. To spend time with people who we like and respect and for they to share the joy in your company as well. But as all good friendships do, it takes time to nurture and develop. 

And there are so many kinks I have not explored. To know myself … my subby self I felt it was time I explored these kinks. Could I do it with a girlfriend? Well perhaps when I next find one but my experience there has been that my partners want me to be dominant. Something I truly dislike doing. Or have dumped me when I admit what I am. (See my previous article) 

What about a friend on the scene? Again, that is a possibility but it is a big ask. To ask someone to guide you through the dangers both mentally and physically of submission. I cannot imagine there would be much in it for them. 

The obvious conclusion is that a professional dominatrix is the answer. Yes, it is paid for and therefore it is less likely she will be there purely to spend time with me. But in return her experience and knowledge would be so beneficial to me. 

In July 2021 I made the decision to seek a professional dominatrix and try to learn more about my subby self. 

My first attempt 

I searched for a couple of days. Looked at websites and twitter accounts. It needed to be someone I resonated with. So, the websites gave me a glimpse of who they are as a dominatrix and their twitter accounts gave me a glimpse of who they are as a person. Both were important to me. 

I narrowed it down to 5 people. Three seemed kind and friendly with a great deal of knowledge but one was not active on twitter so it was hard to gauge her personality, one is someone I know fairly well but was busy with other projects currently and one is a great deal further from me than the others. 

Two were very knowledgeable and certainly gave no reason to suggest they weren’t empathetic towards subs. It was here that I started. 

I reached out to one with an email introducing myself. A beautiful Mistress with years of experience and knowledge. I introduced myself and laid bare my kinks. It always feels self-serving to me to tell someone what I am in to. As a sub it goes against my natural tendencies to do what other people want. But I also know how crucial it is for a dominatrix to know the kinks and limits of someone they play with. 

A few days later came a reply to say she was busy and would respond the following day. I appreciated that. It let me know she had seen my email. A couple more days passed and I got another email to say she was still busy and hadn’t forgotten. I got two more emails like this before they stopped. 

Three weeks passed with no contact so I sent a gentle reminder to ask how she was doing and if she had time to book in a session if she was so inclined. My initial day I had requested had now passed but that was not an issue and I had more days coming up that I could do. 

She responded angrily to say she would respond soon and that I should not hassle her. I never did hear from her again after that and I was too afraid to send another chaser. 

I felt a little downhearted after this. Of course, the reality is she was likely busy as she said. I can relate to that as a busy person myself so I certainly do not blame her. But there is always that grain of doubt in the back of your mind wondering if there was something I had done. Who knows? Perhaps there was. 

It was two weeks before I tried again. I emailed the other professional dominatrix who seemed knowledgeable and gave me no reason to think she disliked subs. Two weeks passed before I sent a chaser email. Unfortunately, she emailed back angrily stating we subs had no patience and it was no wonder she got so frustrated with us. I replied apologetically but did not chase to book a session. 

After this I was wondering if a professional dominatrix was for me. I was either getting something very wrong or was misunderstanding the rules. That was twice I had been told off with no session booked. It was at this time that a loved one died so I decided to call it a day at that point. 

A month later I decided to try again. The decision had been made back in July and I was now determined to find someone who might session with me. Deciding to change tact I emailed someone newish to the profession. She gave a business-like but friendly reply only a couple of days later. We communicated with one another every couple of days but could not find a date that suited us both. I was glad of that interaction though. It showed that, had the times been right, she would have sessioned with me which rather boosted my confidence after the last two attempts. 

My first time with a professional Dominatrix – Part 1

Help from a friend

My first time with a professional Dominatrix – Part 1

However, it was now October and I had spent a lot of time researching and emailing and so far had got nowhere. Accepting that I needed help I went to Podopheleus and asked him if he could recommend someone to reach out to. Of course, he replied shortly afterwards with a number of names. One of his strongest recommendations for a Mistress who might resonate with me was for Mistress Sakura. 

Mistress Sakura had been one of the people I had looked at when I first started my search. It was only because there was little Twitter activity that I did not pursue a connection. 

But with Pods recommendation to back up her exquisite website I felt confident that she was someone I would like to meet. 

I sent out my email. The sending of an email feels like a very final thing when you are filled with self-doubt. It plays on our mind. Have we done the right thing? Is she the one for me? Will I offend her in any way? 

A couple of days later Mistress Sakura replied. It was a warm and friendly reply. I read it and could not refrain from allowing a goofy smile to form across my face. This was the one. She is a Dominatrix for sure but more than that she seemed like a nice person. The reply was fairly long. As if we had been friends for some time already and she was welcomed by correspondence. It was impossible not to be at ease when reading such a warmly worded email.

I responded, a little more confidently. It took a little time for her to respond, a week roughly, but her response was as warm as her initial email. She was treating me with respect. As a person. That is so important to me. I am a person first and a submissive second. 

We swapped a few emails and each time we did my confidence in this decision grew. And then she gave me a questionnaire to fill out. It questioned details about me, my kinks, what I would like from a session and more. 

Now it wasn’t until I became semi-active in the scene that I realised quite how much of a prude I am. Compared to my friends and previous partners I am liberal and sex-positive. But I have real trouble discussing my kinks with people. I find it makes me feel both self-serving and it also embarrasses me

a little. So I found the questionnaire very difficult to fill out. Equally I did not want to disappoint Mistress Sakura by providing insufficient information. 

I messaged Podopheleus again and as always he does he offered me his assistance. He talked me through the process and what he felt the expectations were with such a questionnaire.

I went in to as much detail as I could and once sent, I breathed out a sigh of relief. She responded quickly. I don’t know how she knew but she mentioned how brave I was to have done that and that she knew it had taken me outside of my comfort zone. 

(Later edit: This became a common theme in the weeks to come. Mistress Sakura often knew how I was feeling before I did. But we will get to that. I am getting ahead of myself.)

I paid the deposit and the deed was done. 

What have I done? 

For a couple of days I felt quite positive. I had done it. I had arranged a session for 2-3 weeks’ time that would let me live out the fantasies I had kept locked away deep within the depth of my consciousness. 

I woke up on the third day however and my positivity abated for fear. An irrational part of my brain took over and doubt reared its ugly head. 

“What have I done?” 

I was paying someone a not insignificant amount of money to humiliate and dominate me. This suddenly made no sense. Why was I doing this? I had allowed my subby self to take control and forced all reason to leave me. 

“I would cancel”, I told myself. 

“It would be damaging to my mental health if I went through with it” I told myself. 

“How could I face managing directors in my career if I knew I had let someone treat me that way?” I asked myself. 

“How could I look at myself in the mirror?” 

I know, dear reader, that you may well be glaring at the screen as you read these questions. If you have any experience in kink you will be reading this and resenting the idiot author who writes such absurd notions. Believe me when I say a part of me knows the things I say in my last paragraph are nonsense. And yet they felt so real. 

I was ashamed. I felt guilty. I had allowed my weak and vulnerable self to take control. I stopped posting on Twitter. I had to distance myself from the kink scene. I ignored incoming messages and resolved to cancel the session and forgo the deposit. 

I reached out to Podopheleus once more for help but I could not bring myself to read his reply. I allowed myself to be consumed by shame. How pathetic must I be to allow myself to do this? Years of negative conditioning washed over me like poisonous ooze, seeping deep within me. Filling me with a darkness I could not combat.

I didn’t cancel though. I couldn’t. No matter how many doubts my irrational self could conjure, I knew how badly I needed this. To feel the truth that lay beneath the lies I had fabricated in my personality. To allow myself to feel vulnerable as any man should be allowed to do. 

More than any of that, I am a submissive. I can argue against this point with myself as much as I like. But the short, hard truth is I am a submissive. And no excuses or techniques can or should change that. 

Two weeks I felt like this. Like I was an absolute idiot for allowing myself to succumb. The reflection I see in the mirror that I usually feel quite proud of disgusted me. Who was this pathetic creature who stared back at me? 

Only days before the session was to take place did I finally wake up feeling better. I had won my internal conflict against myself. And it was a victory. 

I started to look forward to my session. I feared how she would react when she met me. I feared how I would perform as a human being when I met her. But most of all I was excited. There was a woman with years of experience who for only a small amount was willing to give me the benefit of her experience and wisdom. All while performing activities I would enjoy. Suddenly the cost seemed negligible for such a privilege. 

I appreciate at this stage it might seem I am displaying extreme emotions often associated with Bi-polar disorder. I assure you this is not the case. The conflict of a closet sub is such that we often sway from one extreme to another while we rationalise what should be such a beautiful and natural state of being. 

I write this with only one day to go before I experience my first session with Mistress Sakura. I am both full of fear and full of excitement. I look forward to writing my thoughts afterwards. I will see you, dear reader, on the other side. 

Thankyou for reading, if you have gotten this far, I owe you a fruit salad sweet. 

Manlock 

My interviews with Podopheleus:

Me: https://twitter.com/manlocksol

Mistress Sakura: https://servesakura.co.uk and https://twitter.com/sakura_strike

Podopheleus: https://twitter.com/podofeleus

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