I will write a separate section of this each day detailing how I feel after my time with Mistress Sakura. I do so to catalogue my thoughts and put some order to the many new sensations I felt during my session. And perhaps if you are a submissive at this point in your journey it might provide comfort to know what I felt and when I felt it. 

Edit: I should point out that this is the hardest of the three articles to publish. This details how I feel as I am feeling it and therefore lays bare my vulnerabilities and imperfections. But if just one sub reads this and relates to it helping them feel slightly less alone then I feel this will be worth the effort.

Elation – 1 day later

Have you ever been to work to see a co-worker smiling at everything? They practically dance through the office not caring how they appear. Their smile is infectious and even the tone of voice is lifted to mirror how they must feel? 

Today this has been me. I feel like I have lost my virginity all over again but without the pressure or concern. 

Work was a blur as I focused on everything that happened to me the day before. I had met myself. Such an odd thing to say and yet so profound when put in to context. 

The problem with the way I grew up is I quickly learned to subdue and hide my subby side. I never let it have agency and as a result I never met her. 

The feeling of letting go and allowing someone else to take control of me, even in a controlled setting, was monumental. I am a generally controlled and happy person but the person I had met yesterday was happier than I have ever been before. 

Mistress Sakura had been perfect. Her ability to read me and guide me through what was an intimidating process for me was masterful. I wished I could show her inside my head for just a moment to show how big a difference my time with her had made. 

Elation was the word that kept coming back to me. I felt elated. Elevated. I had then gone to work and nothing had changed. I was still in charge of 120 people. I had not lost the ability to do my job or to be assertive when I needed to be. 

My confident and in control side had remained unaffected. But the other half of me had finally been allowed to speak. 

While Mistress Sakura is every bit as beautiful as her photos … more so, it is her expertise and her personality that I have been cherishing today. I hope this feeling lasts. But even if it doesn’t, I have learned a great deal about myself. 

I know now that I like small amounts of pain when mixed with pleasure. I know I can achieve an overwhelming climax through my ass. I know I really do like to give control to another as I had always suspected. 

I now need to spend time processing this so I will write some more tomorrow. 

Lost – 2 days later

I almost decided not to write today. It feels so needy and pathetic the thoughts going round my head. I almost can’t believe they are coming from me! But I made a promise to myself that I would document how I feel so here I am, having eaten dinner and sat on my computer, writing some of the most ridiculous thoughts I have ever had. 

Today was another good day for the most part. I still felt the feeling of elation that dominated my thoughts yesterday. 

However, a shadow crept in to my mind and became stronger with each passing hour. A feeling of loss. I felt as if the sat nav in my mind and suddenly turned off and that I was getting more and more lost. I couldn’t even work out why to begin with. I hate feelings with no discernible source so I scoured the far reaches of my mind to work out why I suddenly felt this way. 

It took me until this evening to work out what it was I was feeling. 

I have only ever had vanilla relationships. I meet someone, we flirt a little, perhaps we are intimate and then the next day we continue to add to our connection. 

I realised my mind was recalling the intense intimacy I had shared with Mistress Sakura and was seeking out the connection and continuation that would normally follow with someone I had met normally and been intimate with. 

My irrational side was wanting to ask how Mistress Sakura was today. To make her laugh or to get to know her. I had already made the decision to see her once money would allow but this wasn’t that. I actually had a desire to connect with her. Not necessarily romantically. Just a friendship or … well I don’t rightly know. This is still new to me.

I almost laughed at myself when I came to this conclusion. “You have to be pretty ridiculous to be missing something you knew couldn’t be there” I scolded myself internally. 

Never the less the feeling of loss only grew stronger. 

Mistress Sakura had kindly offered to speak with me on the phone or through message if I felt shame or needed after care. I felt it was so decent of her to offer this. But I did not reach out to her. I felt ashamed but only at the feelings I was having. Equally I know she is busy and that a message from someone she had only seen once might be a frustration. I do not want to be needy and I didn’t want to bother her. 

I am ashamed to admit this to myself and even more so to admit this to you, an unknown reader. I just want to be normal. To have taken so much joy from our time together and to accept it, both consciously and subconsciously for what it was. 

I had some charity work to do this evening but I have postponed it so I can be alone with my thoughts. I will do it tomorrow. By then I will have sorted myself out and stopped being so daft.

I’m sorry it’s a negative one today. I didn’t intend it to be. These are not thoughts I should be having and I have resolved to stop feeling this way by this time tomorrow. That way I can just look forward to my next time with Mistress Sakura without being a burden to either her or myself. 

Connection – 3 days later 

I sit here this evening having eaten my dinner reaching a conclusion. 

I believe that Mistress Sakura must be psychic. Either that or she was a grade A student at Hogwarts. I don’t believe in either but it is the only rational explanation for todays events. 

Obviously that last statement is tongue in cheek but nevertheless it serves to communicate how much in awe I am of Mistress Sakura’s empathy. 

Still feeling a little lost I decided to return to Twitter. Not long afterwards Mistress Sakura messaged me to ask how I was doing. Being a little hesitant to communicate exactly how I felt I said I was alright, had enjoyed our session, was a little lost and that I was coping. I was unsure whether to go in to too much detail being all too aware of the absurdity of my feelings.

What then ensued was a lovely conversation where Mistress Sakura coached the questions and answers gently from me. She was caring, empathetic and non-judgemental. I have never experienced aftercare before but this was way above anything I was expecting. 

I will not go in to too much detail about our conversation. Those words are hers and mine alone. But I came away feeling much better about myself. She had empathised with my position when I explained it. She had recognised that I was showing only human traits and that there was nothing inherently wrong with the way I was feeling. 

I put down my phone feeling so much better. As I mention earlier, I am naturally sceptical. And whenever somebody shows me a kindness I always try to understand the motivation. It is not that I do not believe people would want to be kind to me. I do. But I find with all new people in our lives it serves to understand why they do a thing. This has helped me both professionally and personally. 

So I ran through it methodically. I had met her just the once and I am no better or worse than anyone else. More inexperienced perhaps but I would not say I stand out. So I immediately ruled out her being particularly fond of me as the main reason for her being so kind. 

Of course, she could be doing it in the hope that I would book another session. Which would be a good thing to do because being decent to people in the hopes that they will request a service again is just good business. This is her livelihood after all. But I do not think it was this either. Not only this. While we all need to make a living I had already assured her I would book another session and this would be way above and beyond were that the only reason. 

The third reason and the one I settled on was that Mistress Sakura genuinely cares about the people who come to see her. I believe based on what I have seen, that Mistress Sakura genuinely wants them to have a good time and that she genuinely cares for their well-being. I internally nodded my head and accepted that this was the most likely reason that she had spent the time to make me feel better based on what I knew. 

With that conclusion I felt even better about our interaction. Not only had she made me feel amazing and introduced me to a part of myself I had always feared to meet but she continued to be there for me long after the session was concluded. A phenomenal dominatrix and a lovely person. I feel lucky to have met her. 

Conclusion – 4 days later 

This will be the last entry in this journal-like article. My thoughts have settled and I am elated at how things went and accept and will work on my own flaws before and after the session.

Six months ago I was not ready to meet a professional dominatrix. Today I am finishing an article detailing how positive my experience was. It has been an educational and enjoyable journey that still has many steps to take. 

My ultimate goal remains unchanged. I would still like to continue meeting people in the scene and to form friendships and learn. But I feel I do so with a great deal more experience than I had before and a renewed determination to add to that experience. 

Mistress Sakura was far better than any description can do justice. Before we met she put my mind at ease and helped me accept who and what I am. During the session she was every bit as amazing as I described and more. After the session I was blown away at how genuinely she seemed to want me to be alright. 

I feel like, with time, Mistress Sakura and I could be friends. More than that, I have made my mind up to go and see her again when finances allow. It may be that one day I want to visit other professional dominatrixes to broaden my experience but certainly for the foreseeable future I am content doing what I am doing and meeting with Mistress Sakura when possible. 

I am still a submissive and I still wish I wasn’t but it was being a sub that lead me to experience the joy I felt that day and that is not a fact to be quickly discarded. I am glad my nature allows me to experience those things that less submissive men would never even consider. 

It has not affected my every day life. I am still able to put my subby self beneath the rest of me to be able to perform my daily duties. But It feels good to have met my subby side with such a guided and safe person. 

All in all I am content with where I am now and what has happened to get me here. 

To any other sub considering a professional dominatrix I want you to know that I relate to your doubts. It is scary. It is costly. You might have shame with who you are and what you might enjoy doing. 

But the fear abates. The cost is well worth it and buys you so much experience and knowledge. The shame feels real and I understand it but with time you will learn to accept who you are (I am still not sold on loving that side of me but who knows?) 

And if you need it, there are so many of us subs who are up for a chat. 

Thankyou for reading. If you have read all three articles, I owe you a Curly Wurly. I hope it has either been useful or of interest to you. 

Manlock 

Me: https://twitter.com/manlocksol

Mistress Sakura: https://servesakura.co.uk and https://twitter.com/sakura_strike

Podopheleus: https://twitter.com/podofeleus