Sexual satisfaction is rooted in fantasy. Most people fantasize when they have sex or when they masturbate, or even when they are on the train or out for a walk. It has been said that there are essentially 3 types of fantasy.
- Rare: Which includes taboo subjects like sex with animals or children or dead people
- Unusual: which includes which things as water sports, cross dressing, sex with professional sex workers and using or abusing an intoxicated person.
- Typical: this is the more mainstream idea. Sex in romantic locations, receiving oral sex or being in a group sex scene.
A person in a monogamous relationship, often fantasizes about other partners. This is normal. Dr. Tarra Bates-Duford “a marriage and family therapist said, “Erotic fantasies are often pleasant daydreams that can be used to explore one’s creative side, [and allow us to] act upon sexual desires we have difficulty acting out in ‘real life.’”
Fantasies can also be a source of guilt and create space between partners, so it’s best to share one’s fantasies with one’s partner. Who knows, your partner may find your fantasies as hot as you do as well! In the “Journal of Sex Research”, they note that 80% of women and 98% of men fantasize about someone other than their partner. This sort of fantasy occurs WHILE HAVING SEX with their current partner. It’s completely normal.
The plus side of imagining sexual fantasies is that they liberate each of us from the guilt and danger of acting out on our impulses. At the same time, it’s not great to over-fantasize which is itself a potential gateway to infidelity.
Authentic self-expression as a sexual creature
More powerful than fantasizing, is living your authentic self-expression as a sexual creature. Case in point. When I was younger and married to a vanilla woman who thought sex was for procreation, I fantasized about multiple partners and water sports and BDSM and kink. I was unhappy in my marriage and miserable about my imaginary sex life. I masturbated to my fantasies like a champ. An old Woody Allen joke applied to me. He said, “The problem with my sex life is that it only involves one consenting adult”. I was truly unhappy as a sexual creature and when I did have sex with my vanilla wife, I was very much fantasizing about pissing in the ass of one of the the sluts I imagined I was fucking that day.
After my divorce, I took a deep dive into kink, and I found lots of very kinky submissive partners to play with. I fantasized less, but I was still not as happy in my sexual self-expression as I wished or thought I could be. I wanted more. I wanted intimacy.
A new beginning
I searched for and then found my ideal completely aligned partner. She is the love of my life, and she is very much as kinky as I am. Which is amazing. Now I live out my sexual self-expression with her on a daily basis, and we share our fantasies and bring many of them into our scenes.
The impact of being able to be authentically myself as a sexual creature with my partner is that instead of sex being mundane and boring, we have an ongoing experience of amazing sexual encounters where we both get to be fully self-expressed, me as a sadistic Dom and her as my collared submissive masochist.
With nothing in the way, we are now having regular prolonged scenes where we are able to maintain peak arousal for hours. We experience a Kundalini Awakening. We experience energetic play. We experience ecstacy and nirvana. Sex has become a magical experience in reality.
This occurring is rooted in each of us being our authentic selves as sexual creatures, and sharing our fantasies with each other.
The Kinky Cocktail Hour Podcast
We produce the Kinky Cocktail Hour podcast, and we have had some 400 conversations with kinky people. To a person, the consensus is that those of us who are truly being authentically themselves as sexual creatures are infinitely happier, more satisfied with their sex life, self-actualized as sexual creatures and generally at peace with the world around them because they sleep better.
Click here to listen to Podopheleus – Kinky Cocktail Hour podcast discussion with Lady Petra Playground and Saffermaster:
When kinky dreams come true
My sex life used to be a series of hot fantasies in my head. Now my sex life as lived is the dream I used to fantasize about. It’s now my experience day to day.
My beautiful, collared slut kneels for me, naked, in the living room, inviting me to use her. I hypnotize her and we then engage in a scene that is so hot, so energetic, so arousing, it’s scalding and it lasts for up to 2 hours at a time, occasionally longer, but that is about the duration of our extended scenes. This happens just about every day.
Reality is better than fantasy. I promise you. I spent 30 years fantasizing, then four years experimenting and for three years now, I have been living a dream. I can tell you without any reservation that the most recent three years of my life have been superior to the previous 40 years by orders of magnitude. As humans we tend to place barriers, we call them constraints, on our behavior. Those constraints limit us. They interfere in our access to happiness. They disturb us emotionally and they create their own restrictors on behavior. I was similarly constrained for close to 40 years. Now I am free to experience my sexual desires in reality. It’s a way better experience of being alive.
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