What is The Stigma of the Submissive Male? For as long as I can remember, I’ve wanted a woman to dominate me. I wanted the mean third-grade teacher to spank me and make me kiss her hair. I wanted the angry goth girls in high school to tie me up. I lusted after my arrogant co-worker who yelled at her boyfriend in public.
Despite all this, I didn’t pursue a dominant girlfriend until my mid-30s, and it wasn’t until I was 38 that I told my closest, most accepting friend about my kinks. For decades, I was ashamed of my desires, and I kept them hidden at all costs.
I’m not alone. A lot of submissive men have felt shame around their desires, and few of us are out. There’s almost always a stigma when going against societal norms, but the one around submissive males seems extreme. Why? Why is it so hard for men to come out as submissive?
I think there are two things that contribute to this difficulty: our immature definition of masculinity and the negative portrayal of submissive men in the media.
Want to sign up for the Submissive Male Journal click here
Our culture is obsessed with masculinity. It’s everywhere: in advertisements, movies, songs. By the time a boy hits puberty, he’s learned that being masculine is crucial to happiness. Despite this, we don’t actually have a good definition of what masculinity is. It’s not discussed in school, and while there are men’s groups trying to define it, these tend to be for adults. The majority of teens get their definition of masculinity from television and movies, and this generally boils down to two things: not showing emotion and winning fights.
To learn about Podopheleus future book Triple-Formed click here
This immature version of masculinity has no room for happiness. In fact, in the tv and movies from the 70s and 80s, happiness was usually antithetical to masculinity. It was the easy, weak way out. Every movie from my youth seemed to end with the hero – for no reason – abandoning a comfortable life and the woman he loved to ramble across the plains or through the urban underground or across the sea: anywhere as long as it was uncomfortable and solitary.
And if happiness was avoided, pleasure was outright scorned. A man who prioritized pleasure was seen as unmanly and beneath contempt.
We may think we’re much more evolved now, but not by much. The never smiling, tough-as-nails cowboy has merely been replaced by the alpha male: always winning, always strong, never wavering for an instant. He dominates all those around him, whether in the boardroom with his superior business skills or in the bedroom with his massive cock. It’s the same adolescent hero worship, just with more expensive clothes. What we’re told again and again is that the most important thing in the world is to be strong. It’s more important to be strong than to be happy. It’s more important to be strong than to feel good. And if being strong is the most important thing in the world, then being weak is the worst. Weak men are losers, and no one wants to be a loser.
The Negative Portrayal of the Stigma of the Submissive Male in the media
Submissive men are rarely portrayed in tv or movies, but when they are, they serve as comic relief or as placeholders: simpering behind their domineering girlfriends until a strong, irreverent hero swoops in and saves her from herself.
You might think that submissive men would get better press within the online femdom community, but most often this isn’t the case. The majority of femdom stories revolve around a loser of a man submitting to a powerful woman who loathes him. She may keep him around to abuse and punish, but she would never have sex with him. Sex is reserved for her alpha boyfriend.
For further proof, look at how dominatrices market themselves on Twitter. Count the percentage who are insulting and mocking of submissive men. Tally up the dominatrices under 30 with the obligatory sneer and middle finger pose or flashing the Loser sign. Again and again and again, even within the online BDSM community, the message comes through that to be submissive is to be weak, unloved and unlovable, especially by the women you desire most.
Obviously, this isn’t true in the actual BDSM community, but how would a boy in his teens or early twenties know that? He often doesn’t have the money to see a dominatrix, and he’s often too young or too scared to go to meetups or BDSM parties. Most of the time, he’s going to believe what he sees on the internet, especially if it aligns with what he’s told everywhere else about masculinity. And it does. Online femdom reinforces the lessons that the media teaches boys about being submissive: if you’re submissive, you’re a loser.
This all happens during formative years, and shame that permeates your conception of self at this age can be a tricky thing to scrape out, even when you know better.
Understanding these dynamics makes it easy to see why so many men deny their submissiveness, even if it means foregoing pleasure and happiness, and it explains the deny-indulge-shame spiral that some submissive men travel.
IS THERE A SOLUTION?
Yes, and it will take time. Because BDSM is incorrectly assumed to just be about sex, submissiveness is seen by some as sexually deviant. This makes it very risky for people in certain professions to come out. Barring some unforeseen event, that’s probably going to take a while to change. In the meantime, though, we need to present in the media different types of submissive men and more accurate representations of F/m couples. Gone are the days where each submissive teenage boy thought he was the only one in the world. Now we just need strong, successful
role models: men who submit because they love it, not because they’re too weak to do anything else. We need young men to see the joy and fulfillment that can come from submitting to a dominant woman. Most of all though, we need to stop telling young men that they’re damaged because of what they want. We need to get through to them that there are women out there who value them, and that they’re still worthy of loving and of being loved.
There are many avenues to make this happen, this blog that Pod has is one. So thank you to Pod for having me as a guest writer, and a bigger thank you for what he’s doing for the submissive men of the future.
About the Writer
Thimble has been creating femdom relationships and worlds in his head for as long as he can remember. Seven years ago he began writing them down, and in December of 2018, he self-published his first book: When Femdom Dreams Come True. This was followed by Training My Professor, Learning to Serve and Obey, and The Boarding School Slavery Series. His stories explore the psychology of femdom, including the push-pull of desire and shame that sometimes comes with submission, and creative avenues of both physical and mental domination. He is a retired circus artist.