Hello, Beloved Submissive Men and Vanilla Wives!
Picture this, you are in a affectionate vanilla marriage! You love your Husband immensely, you trust him wholeheartedly. However, unexpectedly, he confesses that he has an intense desire to be dominated and asks for your permission to visit a Professional Dominatrix.
What would your answer be to this question?
If you’re umming and ahhing about what you will do in this situation, well… that’s okay. And that’s why I decided to interview Mrs tinymonster – Vanilla Wife!
Before we get started, did you know that Mr tinymonster is no stranger to Podopheleus’ site? You can read previous articles and interviews here.
Tiny Monster & Domestic Servitude – INTERVIEW by Podopheleus
Coming Out(ish) as a submissive male by Tiny Monster
Femdom Wrestling with Inferno!
Introducing Mrs tinymonster – Vanilla Wife
Hi Podopheleus readers. I am Mrs tinymonster, an older woman married to a man (tinymonster) who is in a D/s relationship with a pro-Domme. tinymonster left the BDSM closet about 3 years ago. I am pretty much vanilla, though I guess I have some chocolate chips.
1. What’s it like being married to a man who is in a D/s with a Pro-domme?
What’s it like to be married to anyone? No two marriages are the same. In our case we have been together a long while (since there were dinosaurs and before the internet) and have been married for most of it. We’ve done the types of things married people often do (have a mortgage, children, holidays, jobs we don’t like, times with no money etc).
We have not been in a BDSM type relationship at any point. We did play a bit but frankly, I was not good at it, though I now realise that this may be because he did not have the vocabulary to explain what he wanted and I didn’t have a clue beyond the ‘hollywoodish’ presentations you see in films/TV.
Like most relationships it is not the same now as it was at the start. The relationship has just evolved again since Mr tinymonster first visited a Pro-domme. What we have now is just the latest incarnation and actually it works pretty well. Some underlying things remain the same though:
• We love each other
• We like each other
• We trust each other
• We each want the other one to be happy, BUT – I am not prepared to be walked over, or ‘non-personed’ just to make him happy and, equally I don’t want to stomp on smother the things which make him happy
Basically, we are just making it up as we go along. There isn’t a script, which is partly scary (the unknown – Arrgh!), but also partly permissive – there aren’t actually any rules except the ones we agree to make.
Also – what we have now, is not what we imagined or anticipated at the start
2. What was your initial reaction when your husband proposed that he wanted to visit a prodomme?
Like this ‘Okaayeeee….can I think about this? ’ and we drank tea, which he had wisely provided. I think I asked some questions so I could understand where he was with it, but I genuinely do not remember well.
In my head I think I probably went over the types of things you might expect. It felt uncomfortable probably mostly in the way you would expect someone (particularly a vanilla-ish someone) to feel. I wondered why he wanted to see someone else. Wasn’t I enough? What would other people think if they knew? Suppose something bad happens to him? We’re doing OK aren’t we – what if this all goes wrong?
After I had thought about it, I brought it up – I asked more questions about what he wanted. We laid out some initial ground rules – boundaries.
I can be tolerant – Interesting word – tolerant – really means I can put up with it – not object to. This is different to accept or ‘join in’ on some level. I think I have moved through phases over time. I think he was being brave telling me his big secret – leaving the closet. Retrospectively I realised he actually had sort of already sort of told me in numerous ways.
He talked about how he did not want to miss the chance. He was also clear that if I wanted him to stop he would.
I had some brain weasels about: Do I trust him? Do I want him to have this? Is there a cost to this for me which I might not want to pay? What would other people think?
I realised I wanted him to be happy, I was not being forced into agreeing to this, why would I care what anyone one else thinks – it is none of their business. I genuinely believe he would cut me the same sort of slack if the positions were reversed, and yes I do trust him – I always have. There was no reason for this to change.
It was scary. I think we both knew it might all go horribly wrong, but we’ve been together a long while and I was pretty sure we could work it out if it did.
What we thought would happen is not what actually happened – what we have now is very different from what we talked about at first. These are not isolated sessions which is what we anticipated – He has a D/s relationship – collared with one mistress.
3. As a vanilla wife, do you ever feel a surge of jealousy about your husband’s dynamic with his prodomme?
No – these are two different relationships which fit together. tinymonster’s relationship with his pro-Domme definitely feeds ours. Early on we both enjoyed feeling that we were being ‘naughty’, that we had a secret which only we knew. Like our own personal secret space. I also found I got a real kick out of being able to tease him about some of it (that is still so much fun). The relationships just aren’t the same – His pro-Domme and I are not in some sort of competition with each other, vying for the amazing prize of tiny monster – there isn’t a reason to be jealous. He always listens if I say something makes me uncomfortable, or I don’t want him to do something. I rarely ask this. He has said that if I want the relationship with his pro-Domme to end, it would. I believe him and I trust both of them.
I guess I should also say, that by luck, good karma, whatever, tinymonster found the right pro-Domme for him. My experience of her is that she cares about her submissives, she is highly professional and she is not exploitative. I realise this could have been different.
4. What advice would you give to a woman who just found out that her Husband has been visiting a prodomme?
This is difficult – my experience is mine and based on our relationship and history. Someone else’s relationship will not be this. I don’t really feel qualified to give advice to someone else – but for what it is worth.
Have you found out, or have you been told? I did not ‘find out’ – I was told about what he wanted from the start and asked if it was OK. We started from a position of trust. I am pretty sure that made it much easier. If you have ‘found out’ that is harder because the stepping off point will be mixed with a feeling of betrayal, of not being trusted, or being lied to.
Whatever the stepping off point though:
• Give them space to explain
• Give yourself space to think about it
• Talk about where your boundaries are
Stuff to think about:
• It does not mean that you have failed, it doesn’t necessarily mean he is ‘cheating’ – he may just be getting something different from that relationship. Visiting a pro-Domme may not be ‘cheating’.
• A visit to a pro-Domme is going to be a transactional one– He is buying a service(s) – What is it he wants/wanted from this?
• Why has he not told/asked you? Because he fears you will object to it? Because you do object to it – very strongly? Take a deep breath and think about it before saying anything back.
• If he has told you, acknowledge that this was probably very hard to do. It is OK that it may also be very hard to listen to.
• All the relationships can evolve – they can become something which was not anticipated or planned. For us this has been a really good thing.
• What if you hate the idea?
If you really don’t like it (and you don’t have to) can you accept it? If you can’t what does this mean? This is only part of your relationship with your partner – does this overshadow everything else, become a part of everything else, be something which is there but which you ignore or does it blow everything up?
• The only ‘right’ answer is the one you come to, in the best circumstances this happens after you have talked about it.
5. How do things work when it comes to your husband’s sessions with his prodomme? For example, does he tell you about each session beforehand? Do you ask about his sessions afterwards? Or do you just leave him to it?
I always know when he is going to a session. Even if he didn’t put it on the calendar and tell me, the rising level of excitement and the sartorial preparations would give it away. (Bless)
I ask him to check in occasionally so I know he is OK.
I used not to ask much – these days he tells me stuff, I ask stuff. He decides what to tell me or if there is something which he keeps between him and his mistress. He has a line in his head (‘if I could not tell you, I would not do it, but there are things I might choose not to share’). This seems to work fine. I guess that could change, but it has not so far.
He is very happy
6. Have you ever met your husband’s prodomme?
Yes- but not at first. At first we thought it would be him having a number of sessions during the year – limited and very transactional. As tiny monster and his pro-Domme developed a relationship, I didn’t want to intrude – upset the relationship they had. I think I felt that if we all met it would break the ‘fantasy’ and also that I would feel very out of place. I was concerned about upsetting the ecosystem, and I didn’t want to feel foolish.
The first time we met we were, I think, all very nervous, mostly tiny monster probably (quite high stakes for him – if we hadn’t got get on!) He was worried about what I would think about seeing him being submissive (even if in a very public social situation). I just worried that she would think I was an idiot. I am an overweight, not terribly confident, middle-aged woman. Most social situations are intimidating.
We went to a restaurant. Another of the pro-Domme’s submissives also came. It was fine.
Mostly I really want to know what the restaurant thought was going on – what did they think the relationship was. Any awkwardness miraculously disappeared once alcohol was introduced.
We have met again – and it was much easier the second time.
7. Is there anything additional you would like to share with us?
He is not ‘out’ everywhere. He is out to close family (our adult children and some (not all) siblings). In some ways this makes it easier but I sort of miss our ‘naughty’ secret a bit.
I don’t think seeing a pro-Domme is therapy but for tinymonster I think it is. He is much happier, more confident and a better listener.
I trust her – initially to do her job well – she looks after her clients. She looks after her ‘property’- she will not harm him and does not harm me.
If he isn’t a good boy mistress may make him wear hessian panties. This is hilarious.
There we have it, Kinksters!
I hope you enjoyed reading this interview blog – great insights from a wonderful Vanilla Wife! A Big Big Shout-Out to the wonderful – Mrs tinymonster! I thank you hugely for taking time from your busy schedule to answer my questions.
Follow tinymonster on Twitter @TinyMonster20 and check out his blog here.
Additionally, follow Mistress Sakura Strike on Twitter @sakura_strike
More importantly, click here to book a session with the alluring Goddess – Mistress Sakura Strike.
Lastly, Did you know that Mistress Sakura Strike gave me my first Prostate Orgasm? I know, right? Read all the juicy details here.
Much Kink Love,